You know as I was driving to work this morning I started thinking about several things, but in particular why we [Humans] do some of the things we do. So as I was driving, I started to analyze why we react to various situations in the manner in which we do. Although there are several theories and ideas as to how and why humans conduct themselves the way they do, I would submit to you PRECEPTION is one of the strongest reasons if not the reason why we do what we do! I will explain….
Since we are in some form of a relationship or another we use perception as a defense mechanism. Example: A you couple are dating and have been for about 6 to 10 months, problems start to arise, and generally the man will say “She is too pushy… she is trying to force me to take our relationship to the next level….” When in fact it is his perception kicks in as a defensive force field to prevent him for admitting he is the one in the relationship with the problem. Conversely, the woman may say, “He is too clingy… he is all over me… he always wants to go everywhere I want to go and I cannot be away for a minute…” As she is eating lunch with her other single girlfriends. Because she has been damaged in previous relationships, she does not want to take a chance on being hurt again, so she activates her defense system.
As friends are concerned, we tend to use our perception(s) as a way to rationalize the manner in which we treat them. You have a friend for a few years, you find out they did not call you when you felt they should have or you heard they said something that may or may not have said, but it still resonates with you over time. This causes you to say, “If he/she wants to talk to about me or has not called me… then I will not take help them any wherein the future…” The point being regardless of what actually happened, we feel that we have been attacked, used, taken advantage of, and etc… Therefore, our perception asks involuntarily and sends the signals of hostile or negative statements or actions to us. Continuing with that same thought process, when we find out our perception(s) are wrong or premature, we still lean on them, and say to ourselves, “See, I still think Bill said that shit at the golf course last week...” It is almost like we secretly want the negative crap to happen so we can say, “See I knew it….. Or See, I told you so!!”
I am not advocating everyone on the earth is a negative person, I am just suggesting we can be the cause of our own problems sometimes. If we chose to look at other aspects of the situation or possibilities we say ourselves some serious heart ache and confrontations. Meaning simply, if we don’t allow out perceptions to automatically activate the “PANIC” button and systematically analyze the issue(s) or incident which has occurred, then and only then can we make the diagnosis from our perception.
I see you still are not fully with me here, so I will present a real life situation I had an opportunity to be forced into: I have been a cop for many, many years now, and for a majority of those years I was a Sex Crimes and Homicide Detective specializing in family crimes as well as crimes against children. I was assigned a case where a husband and wife got into an argument which lead to a physical confrontation, and ultimately resulted in the husband being shot in the stomach. The husband had to have surgery and the wife went to jail for a period of time. Here is the situation: After approximately eight years of marriage, the husband and wife both gained some weight, the husband started losing his hair, and the wife quit eating right. Of course, the decline in their personal appearances lead to their sex life began to declining as well. When the wife sat her husband down and explained to him she needed more physical intimacy then he was giving, she pleaded with him to go to adults stores, take weekend get a ways, and even offered to make videos of themselves; the husband did not respond. Now I had the same thought, he has to be cheating right! Nope, I was just as wrong as you are… The husband, who had taken pride in his physique for years, lost it all [due to medical issues], felt unattractive, and lost his desire to be intimate with his wife. He later explained in a interview, he explained all of these issues to his wife, but the lack of love making, sex, and just the plain ole’ horizontal mambo was still a source of tension for the wife. Over the next few weeks, the wife began to think about the situation more and more letting her perceptions kick in. Just as we did, her perception(s) told her he was cheating. Thus causing her to go from disbelief, to hurt, to pain, to anger, and finally to rage!
Now, the husband also said during his interview his perception was his wife’s desire to be intimate was center around having a child. He felt she was trying to get pregnant and was going to force him to do so by engaging in sex more often. However, I learned during my interview with the wife, she was so in love with her husband, she just wanted to be more sexual with him, wanted to explore their sexuality, and increase their level of intimacy.
Now case is a prime example of what can happen when we allow our perceptions to activate our defense system to prematurely kick in. In this case, her perceptions became so real and so painful she finally reached her breaking point, told him they had to talk, and they had to talk right now. When the husband got home, she jumped in his case with both feet… I mean there were accusations flying everywhere… the wife stopped yelling and calmly said to her husband, “well… if you are not interested in me… then I am no longer interested in you.” She pulled out a small revolver they had purchased a few years back, and shot him the stomach three times.
His perceptions were so misplaced; his refusal to have a conversation with his wife, and was completely wrong. So much, it got his behind shot three times!!
Hence my injection into this situation and the reason for my investigation of the matter; when I finished my investigation, I discovered there was never any cheating. In fact, the husband was struggling with his personal appearance so much he started seeing a medical professional about it. Now I am not suggesting a person should see any medical professional without discussing the issue(s) with their spouse, but in this case because of both of their PRECEPTIONS, were wrong, and their lives were forever affected negatively.
So the morale to today’s lesson is this: Our perceptions are not always correct….
